just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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