pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
