I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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