ya dads aren't the best wingmen
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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