This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
