He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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