just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
