Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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