The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
