Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
