My sheets look like a crime scene.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
