he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
