he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
