That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
