I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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