We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
