hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
