I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
