I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
farters have to be the big spoon...
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
