Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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