It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
