Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
