Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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