Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Randomize
