News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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