It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
