I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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