i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
