thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
