Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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