That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
