I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
