sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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