Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
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