i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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