My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
