i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
