Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
