She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
