She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
