I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
