I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
