So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
