it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
