i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
