An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
