Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Randomize
