I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
