Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
