So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
