I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
