guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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