I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
