it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
